One Great Loss....And One Not So Much

This post only indirectly relates to my Italy story, but I wanted to share in the hope that it will remind all of us to cherish the important relationships in our lives.  And to recognize that it is not always by blood that the best people enter our lives.  Here goes….

In the past two weeks I was made aware of the deaths of two men who have played roles in my life.  The contrast between the two of them could not be greater, and my reactions to their passing very different.

Griffith Dudding

The first news I got was of the death of my father, Griffith Dudding.  My sister Megan told me via text that our friend Denise had shared his obituary from the newspaper in Allentown PA.  The fact that this is how we learned of his death should be a good clue as to the nature of our relationship.  You see, after our mother died (I had just turned 4 and my sister was only days old) our father checked out of his parental role where we were concerned.  He remarried a woman who was horrible to us and made it clear that she did not want us.  He drank heavily and then got sober.  And when he left behind his drinking days, he also left behind the two little daughters who needed him. He had a son who became the focus of his attention. And we completely lost touch.  Now we didn’t have a father. No support, financial or otherwise. Nothing. Fortunately, we had the best grandparents in the world who took care of us and made sure that we would be OK. And you know what? We were and we are.

I often wonder if my self-deprecation, drive for an unattainable level of perfection in so many things that I do and mistrust in relationships can be traced back to this abandonment.  Maybe my zeal to make this crazy move to Italy is all part of my proving that I am worthy and capable.  Who knows.  But no matter.  It is what it is. And I am so very lucky that I had the support I did growing up. I have had an AMAZING life!

My reaction to his death?  Sadness.  But not because he will be missed by us.  There is nothing to miss.  It’s just that Megan and I have always held out the small hope that one day he would acknowledge us.  And perhaps apologize.  But we were not even mentioned in his glowing obituary.  And we learned he had Alzheimer’s Disease.  So the chances that he remembered us for even a split second are slim to none.

His loss.

Graham Green

Within days of learning of my father’s death I learned of the passing of a friend from the UK.  Graham Green.  I had worked with Graham during the time I lived in London back in the late 90s.  He was a force of nature.  A larger than life character. He was absolutely outrageous. He made me laugh and he made me cringe. He was not even close to being politically correct. And he had an amazing ability to drink three pints of Guiness at lunch and still go back to work and be productive (often leaving me on the floor of the pub...once literally). He was a great businessman.  A great father.  And a great friend. 

Graham had cancer.  And the last time I talked to our mutual friend Mickie I thought for sure Graham was going to beat it.  He was tough. But I guess this time the cancer was tougher.

Graham was not in my life for a long period of time.  But he did have an influence on me.  I remember him talking about his holiday home in Brittany (France) and thinking how someday I would love to own a home on the continent.  I loved his zest for life.  His passion. His sense of humor.

My reaction to his passing?  A much different kind of sadness.  He will be missed by many people, even those of us who were on the periphery of his life.  The loss for me is much greater than losing my own father.  Crazy as they might be, I would much rather follow in Graham’s footsteps.